Before 2012 end

Just a short post regrading lately 

2012, gonna end after 24 hours more to go.

Thinking back what happened through the year, it just like yesterday.

So fast, me and him had been together for 1 year half. Through this period, I seriously gone through ups and downs with him. 

I don't know how it would be in his mind, but me, I really walk with hopes even though I get disappointment again and again. But I never give up, just because I too love this idiot. But what he really know about me? 

Every time he said things that seriously hurt me, but I need act like I don't mind, I don't bother, I don't care and even thank you for being honest. What the fuck am I doing? I don't know. 

I been trying to give up this relationship many times, but I just couldn't. God, why are you torturing me? 

If he is not my Mr.Right, then don't let me meet him, give me a freedom. Now, he just hurting me non stop, is like he is always the right, I am the one been annoying. Seriously, what I request is it so hard?

That day think about my 21st birthday. 

Honestly I do think of how to celebrate it, but I don't dare to dream it. Because I know it never happen to me. Even how long more I could be with him, I also don't know, what to talk about my birthday? 

I didn't request much. Been celebrating birthday for 12 years, after that just simply celebrate. Now come to the 21st birthday, is it fair enough to request a little surprise from him and friends? I don't know.

This year birthday, he just simply celebrate with me at Indulgence. No present, no card, but just a lunch, dessert and a movie. Yeah, another week staying at Kampar with me.  But, fine I am a slightly traditional girl, I want a handmade card from him, or maybe a necklace from him. Something that represent his love toward me? Or maybe I doesn't exist in his life? He just want me to occupy his leisure time? I don't know. Today he neglected me again. I been simply thinking again. Lots of shit in my mind turning around. 

I trying to shut up, trying not to think, but I still thinking lots of, lots of stuffs. Damn! 

Issac Chen, seriously I just want a stable relationship till someday our fate end up. 

Is it so hard for you to do it? 

You said you need time, I give you.

You said you need think, I give you.

Whatever you need, I also give without asking.

But, did you ask what I want? 

But even you ask, I don't dare to say also

I very afraid of hurting again and again, I don't know how much more I can stand for it. 

I not a stone or soft toy that you can hurt again and again. 

Is it so hard for you to appreciate me?

As time getting longer, I realized that I am getting far from your world. 

I don't know how to communicate with you 

I don't know how to care you 

It seem that what I do is just pointless for you.

I need to act stupid for being don't know anything of you.

even I know.

Why our relationship need suffer like this?

From the day you told me that you didn't think of our future before, 

I been stop thinking and dreaming for our future. 

Do you know when I am lying to you, when I am not?

I guess you won't know

Because you need walk into my world sincerely.

Lots of people asking me to give up this relationship 

but no matter how I back stabbed you 

I still loving you 

I still couldn't give up this relationship

This relationship I used lots of effort to bring back, how could I give up easily?

I sacrificed a lot to have you, how can I let go?

I put tender care and love in this relationship, how can I easily say I don't need it?

I appreciated everything you did for me, even just a tiny thing, I remember all the stuff in my mind

Because you are the 1st guy that do so much for me 

Sometimes, I wonder, if one day I seriously leave the world, would you miss me?

Would you regret for hurting me?

Would you regret for not appreciate me?

Would you?

I don't know

Sometimes things I dint tell to you or anyone, I will type them in my Cubie, the conversation between you and me.

I don't know which day you will open and read it all. Perhaps the day I died?

I told sis that if one day I die, must let you open my Cubie and read all the messages I type to you.

I gonna stop, I still need to do your assignment. 

Take care my love, and HAPPY NEW YEAR 2013 to everyone.