Before 2012 end

Just a short post regrading lately 

2012, gonna end after 24 hours more to go.

Thinking back what happened through the year, it just like yesterday.

So fast, me and him had been together for 1 year half. Through this period, I seriously gone through ups and downs with him. 

I don't know how it would be in his mind, but me, I really walk with hopes even though I get disappointment again and again. But I never give up, just because I too love this idiot. But what he really know about me? 

Every time he said things that seriously hurt me, but I need act like I don't mind, I don't bother, I don't care and even thank you for being honest. What the fuck am I doing? I don't know. 

I been trying to give up this relationship many times, but I just couldn't. God, why are you torturing me? 

If he is not my Mr.Right, then don't let me meet him, give me a freedom. Now, he just hurting me non stop, is like he is always the right, I am the one been annoying. Seriously, what I request is it so hard?

That day think about my 21st birthday. 

Honestly I do think of how to celebrate it, but I don't dare to dream it. Because I know it never happen to me. Even how long more I could be with him, I also don't know, what to talk about my birthday? 

I didn't request much. Been celebrating birthday for 12 years, after that just simply celebrate. Now come to the 21st birthday, is it fair enough to request a little surprise from him and friends? I don't know.

This year birthday, he just simply celebrate with me at Indulgence. No present, no card, but just a lunch, dessert and a movie. Yeah, another week staying at Kampar with me.  But, fine I am a slightly traditional girl, I want a handmade card from him, or maybe a necklace from him. Something that represent his love toward me? Or maybe I doesn't exist in his life? He just want me to occupy his leisure time? I don't know. Today he neglected me again. I been simply thinking again. Lots of shit in my mind turning around. 

I trying to shut up, trying not to think, but I still thinking lots of, lots of stuffs. Damn! 

Issac Chen, seriously I just want a stable relationship till someday our fate end up. 

Is it so hard for you to do it? 

You said you need time, I give you.

You said you need think, I give you.

Whatever you need, I also give without asking.

But, did you ask what I want? 

But even you ask, I don't dare to say also

I very afraid of hurting again and again, I don't know how much more I can stand for it. 

I not a stone or soft toy that you can hurt again and again. 

Is it so hard for you to appreciate me?

As time getting longer, I realized that I am getting far from your world. 

I don't know how to communicate with you 

I don't know how to care you 

It seem that what I do is just pointless for you.

I need to act stupid for being don't know anything of you.

even I know.

Why our relationship need suffer like this?

From the day you told me that you didn't think of our future before, 

I been stop thinking and dreaming for our future. 

Do you know when I am lying to you, when I am not?

I guess you won't know

Because you need walk into my world sincerely.

Lots of people asking me to give up this relationship 

but no matter how I back stabbed you 

I still loving you 

I still couldn't give up this relationship

This relationship I used lots of effort to bring back, how could I give up easily?

I sacrificed a lot to have you, how can I let go?

I put tender care and love in this relationship, how can I easily say I don't need it?

I appreciated everything you did for me, even just a tiny thing, I remember all the stuff in my mind

Because you are the 1st guy that do so much for me 

Sometimes, I wonder, if one day I seriously leave the world, would you miss me?

Would you regret for hurting me?

Would you regret for not appreciate me?

Would you?

I don't know

Sometimes things I dint tell to you or anyone, I will type them in my Cubie, the conversation between you and me.

I don't know which day you will open and read it all. Perhaps the day I died?

I told sis that if one day I die, must let you open my Cubie and read all the messages I type to you.

I gonna stop, I still need to do your assignment. 

Take care my love, and HAPPY NEW YEAR 2013 to everyone.

Ups' and Downs'

This two weeks there are too much things happen to me. 

First, mum scold me for not paying rental for 4 months.

Second, I met an accident last night (24.11.2012).

And Today, I said break up to him.

The word that I never wanna say out,

But recently I feel that he unhappy, very suffer, like many things troubling him, 

I believe I am one of the trouble too.

"Boy, I really don't want to break up with you. never ever. But you know, whenever i see you unhappy, suffer, and you not willing to tell me, you know how pain is my heart? I feel that I just nothing to you. I doesn't want only share happiness of you, but your sadness too. But why you again and again faced it all by yourself? Why you don't want let me know even it might hurt me? I don't mind, i really don't mind, i just want you be more happy. I never meet a guy like you before, pamper me, love me, care me, worry me, care me, protect me, surprise me. You know, you really the only guy that did so much to me, although you hurt me too.But i never put in heart before.I don't know, if other girls they definitely will put in heart n blame but for me, I really don't mind at all. Although I still got shadow with it, but I told myself that I should trust you or else the relationship will go worst. Boy, do you know my heart? Do you know how important yourself are in my heart? I am regret saying break up but if i don't, you will keep suffer. I don't know what should i do. end up I rather I suffer all alone, living with all the memories you left for me, and hope you happy. I wish one day you will come back to me and saying that you still loving me. Please remember no matter what happen, I will always be here for you till my last breath. I love you"

Please allow me to cry silently tonight

The second day I be at Kampar for this semester. 

I was missing you so freaking badly. 

I wanna text you badly, but I so scare that I interrupted your activities. 

Finally I take a deep breath and text you, but what I get is no reply.

Checked your FB, and only I knew that you are at Euro House celebrating with your college friends.

My very first reaction is, tears drop. 

I been wonder : 

Am I your girlfriend?

What am I really is in your heart?

Why am I always the last one to know your things?

Why I need cry so much for you?

Why you know nothing?

A lots and lots of questions in my mind.

Why you never let me really go into your life?

I really do not have enough qualification to into it?

I always tell myself that tomorrow will be a better for both of us. 

Two nights,I been crying to hipo 2 nights. 

No matter how unhappy am I, how much I need you right now, 

I still meed act like nothing in front of you.

Do you know that I am acting sometimes?

You know that you are my BIGGEST support. 

You know that you mean everything to me. 

I swear, I really dint want to ask for more,

I just wish you love me more, care me more, talk more about your real-self to me. 

I wish that our happiness moment can maintain forever, 

although I know that life got ups and downs, 

but as I always say that I will be by your side and through every stage of life with you, FOREVER. 

I say it, I meant it . 

Every night, I told myself that I need to be strong, I need to be strong, 

or else when you in the down part of your life, I couldn't go along with you. 

Sometimes, I really wish that I have the courage to ask you , 

"Are you really happy from your heart when with me?"

I always scare the answer.

A lots and lots of questions I want to ask you, 

but I really very scare the answer and abandon by you. 

Facebook, I definitely cannot talk so much 

Twitter, I cannot to explore myself anymore, people will feel that I very pattern 

Blog, the only way to put out all my feelings, as I abandon so long, I believe no one gonna continue reading my blog. 

I wish after I cry, I could sleep well tonight. 

Whenever I at Kampar, I could not sleep well without you. I will wake up in the middle of the night for few times.

Randomly update

Been 7 months dint put on any post on here. 

Look likes I am abandon you badly.

Well, faced lots of ups' and downs' through this half year. 

And now come to the miserable of part of my life. 

I couldn't make any decision for it.

To be continue or not to be? 

First time get termination from the Uni,

that moment was totally lost. 

Thanks God that you are here with me,

or else I really couldn't continue my life. 

Hopefully that everything could be settle down by this week.

God bless me

7 months, 

Me and Him had gone through ONE YEAR, 5MONTHS and 9 DAYS.

After a trip from Genting and also a betrayed moment, 

I could confirm to tell you that, 

All I love is still YOU.

Through the one year, really have lots of things happened to us,

I am glad that we overcome all.

I really proud to be your girlfriend.

From the day you start your intern till the day you end, 

I feel that our relationship seem getting much much more better. 

You know, I always feel secure when you are beside,

holding my hands, hugging me, kissing my forehead,

it let me feel that I owned the world. 

Honestly, I din't ask for more, 

what I want is to be with you as long as we could be.

(of course I wish I could have a fairy tale ending)

Boy, we never make promises to each other, 

what we make is try our best to go through all the test that God give us.

I wish we could face it all together. 

ILOVEYOU

Out of Sudden

Today is my mum's birthday.

Firstly, I would like to say HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU,MUM. Thank you for being by my side no matter what happened. I feel so sad and bad that I couldn't celebrate your birthday. I am sorry mum. But I promised once my sem break start, I will stay home and do whatever you want me to do, hope that it could repay back. 

Second, I was doing my revision but out of the sudden I feel like blogging. Hmm.it really been times that I did not update my blog. When come to degree, life seem more busy. I MISS YOU BADLY, do you know that? Almost a week I dint meet up with you, it make me more n more miss you. Are you the same too? Still got 12 days more then we could go for our 3rd trip. Really feel excited with it. Days and nights, keep on thinking how does this trip going to be. I wanna create more n more happy memories between us before you leave. I don't know how am I going to face days without you in future as you had stay a very important place deep in my heart. but at least I have all those memories stay with me when you leave. Every day, when I open my eyes, I wish I could see you right in front of me; at night I wish you are there to hug me and sleep. So stupid hor. I know too, but then that's me. I love you. I am sorry that I always make you angry, let you get mad, but I really love you deep from my heart. Whenever you dint talk to me, dint reply me, do you know how scare am I? I always scold myself for being immature, I am sorry. Sincerely hope that this trip gonna make our relationship goes stronger. 

Lately fall in love with this picture. Too self-loving. 

Bad Wednesday?

No, I should not let anyone else spoil my day,

But YOU!

Why must it like this?

Why I always put you so important in my life?

Crying like no one else,

but no one know,

even YOU,idiot.

I just need a little care of you,

that will be more than enough,

but WHY you give such shit stuff?

Even so,

but I still will put a SMILE on face

and face everyone around me.

What can I say is,

ME & YOU are not in the right world anymore.

While doing Assignments...

It's really a long time I abandon my blog.

I was doing assignments actually, but suddenly a flash of "read your blog" come to my mind.

So I open and read.

Only realized that you had been in my blog for so long.

Well, now you still reading my blog ma?

I don't know.

Almost 1 year, really lots of things happen (same stuff I say always)

People around me always said that we are so sweet.

Seriously are we?

I don't know, we changed a lot.

Sometime I even lost myself.

I wonder how long more we can walk?

You know you had changed a lot from the first we met?

I am tired of it.

I tears, I smile, I cry, I laugh

Simply because I love you

But what do you know about me?

You wont be like last time try to think what I want

Now you even lazy to think about it.

Perhaps I ain't important to you anymore.

Who will still reading this blog?

Please drop a message in my Chatbox let me know.

Thank you.

I told every one that this is MARCH,

we should SMILE.

I told myself to SMILE too

but some how sometime I just could not SMILE

I should not let you affect my life anymore,

but I just can't do it.

I ain't important in your life anymore;

but why I still put you so important in my life?

I am just so stupid.